Why I’m a Steel Reserve ™ man

with one comment

I drink Steel Reserve Beer.  I just drank some right now.  Here’s a list of but a couple of reasons why.

1) It’s cheap and efficient.  A four-pack of tall cans of steel reserve costs less than four dollars.  Each is a tall can, which means a four-pack is basically a six pack, and it’s 8.1% alcohol, which means it’s basically a twelve pack.  Twelve beers for four dollars.  That’s almost a beer a quarter.  It’s like the olden days.

2) It’s proudly union-made.  Now, most cheap beers are made in unionized plants, but who else has the goddamn pride to advertise it on the can?  Does Coors?  Maybe they do.  I haven’t looked.  I love Steel Reserve too much to even look at other cheap beers.

3) Most beers are in only one state of matter: liquid.  Steel Reserve, though, is viscous.  It leaves a gel-like film over your mouth and esophagus.  It’s substantial.

4) It doesn’t go “bad” when warm.  It is what it is, and can be stored at room temperature for emergencies without losing its distinctive flavor.

5) It knows it’s a drug, not a food.  Maybe in Italy you drink to enjoy, but in America you drink to not care about things.  So many other beers pretend they’re about flavor.  They’re made from alcohol, which changes your very consciousness,  but act like they’re sodas or some shit.  I don’t do drugs for the taste.

“Hey dude, want some acid?”
“I don’t know, is it pumpkin-spice seasonal LSD?”
“Uh, no.”
“Then fuck it, I don’t drop such cheap swill.”

It doesn’t make sense to me either.  Drink Steel Reserve ™.


Written by pinkocrat

November 10, 2013 at 4:19 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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One Response

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  1. This is hilarious. You had me gagging at viscous.


    March 23, 2014 at 9:08 pm

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