Beat your friends to a job
Millions of people like you struggle to find employment, a scarce but vital resource. Instead of working to remove one of those adjectives, use these tactics to get the jump on your brothers and sisters.
That’s the tone of a lot of “job search tips” articles, and it’s fucking insufferable. Look at this one:
New college grads are not known for their copious amounts of spending money. However, there are a few things you will need to spend money on to be prepared for those first interviews. Think of these items as long-term investments in your future. They are as necessary as your new degree to score a good position out of college.
As good as my degree, eh?
For men, this means at least one pair of nice dress slacks, which fit you well and look expensive. … White, royal blue and silver are the hottest fashion colors but are also classics that make any many look sleek, professional and sexy.
Pretending to be rich: a reasonable requirement for entry-level positions. Also be sexier.
Ladies, you will need a similar job interview wardrobe, but you may do a knee-length pencil skirt instead of slacks. You may also want to swap the suit coat for a hip-length blazer. Choose simple dress shoes without the sexy details. A sleek peek-toe or Mary Jane with a one to two inch heel is ideal. Avoid boots, high-heels or strappy sandals which can appear too sexy and backfire.
But not too sexy! Try mind-reading to find the sweet spot that fits the interviewer’s arbitrary prejudices.
Next, purchase one package of nice resume paper with a watermark. Add a package of letterhead and envelopes which match the color. If you get cream resume paper, you should get cream letterhead. Avoid extreme yellows which can look cheap. Go for a subtle off-white tone.
The kicker is that none of these tips would work if everyone followed them. The message is exclusive–follow these tips so that you, individually, can avoid the rest of your generation’s sorrows.
The average job search can take more than six months, and this is especially true for recent college graduates seeking their first entry-level positions.
Searching for unemployment is unpaid, unpleasant, unproductive labor. Expecting people to do this for six months for the privilege of paid work is not a rational way to run an economy. And encouraging young people to see their peers as rivals in an arms race of conspicuous consumption can’t be healthy for a culture.